Sports — TV Raised Me

I recently re-watched a couple of wrestling PPVs from the 1990s. Not proud of it, my Grandma would be, but that’s a story for another day. I blame the amount of free time I have in this Covid-19 mess. After watching the PPVs, I decided to re-watch The Last Dance and read what the socials had to say about the documentary. This was my mistake. Deep into the night after an outrageous amount of coffee, I saw some arguments for GOAT that were ludicrous, insane, and petty. I went down this rabbit hole only to have an epiphany. Old people hate new things. BOOM! Now we know why MJ Vs LeBron is as hotly contested as it currently is.

The MJ side thinks, “LeBron is a loser.” The LeBron side thinks, “MJ fans are stupid and old!” Both are solid points. LeBron fans are saying, “we are the fans of the best player of basketball ever!” MJ fans are saying, “we are fans of the best basketball player ever!” See... .simple! To many people, 1990s NBA basketball was the best and no era will ever be better. The NBA twitter universe is an amazing spectacular circus of hate, vitriol, and trolling. The exact mirror image of the only other place where all these things are encouraged was also at its best in the 1990s. Wrestling. The WWF, now known as the WWE (Ed’s note: I was an ECW fan). What better way to settle the GOAT conversation by talking about basketball in the circus-like atmosphere that was 1990s wrestling. (Ed’s note: Is this a question? Why don’t we all go to Chuck E. Cheese while we are at it?). You are welcome, Gen Xers. We all know the reason you hate LeBron is because you are too tired and busy to pick a new player and learn the rest of the league. Allow me to break down picking a new favorite player for you, their 1990s wrestling persona, what it says about you and your personality, and give a horoscope of what to expect in the future.

If your favorite player is. . .

LeBron – why are you wasting time reading this? Go argue with some old senior citizen that wants to talk about MJ. While you are at it, kick their walker out from under them as you run away screaming “I’m gonna live forever!”.

Photo Credit: https://www.behance.net/gallery/70659827/LeBron-James-Vector-King-James

1990s wrestling identity: The Rock. The greatest spectacle the sports world has seen to date. Am I talking about The Rock or LeBron (Ed’s note: Is LeBron French for The Bron?) If you are a fan of Big Game Bron, you know that when he moves to a city the newspapers talk title.

What does this say about you? You appreciate the burden of hard work and the weight of responsibility. The Rock carried wrestling when he wasn’t expected to. I’d suspect this is one of the few ways LeBron is different than Rock in the 1990s. LeBron was always burdened by greatness. The Rock ascended to it. Either way, they carried themselves to the pinnacle of their sports. But LeBron is the truth! You can’t deny that. LeBron is the player that all the other players in the league get hyped to play against. The NBA is a player’s league more than any other one. The league talks and the league says Bron is a monster. The stats nerds talk, and the nerds say he is a monster. Barbershops talk and they say that he is a loser and isn’t Mike or Kobe. Well, 2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Given the current state of barbershops that seems like quite a compliment. LeBron is the biggest star in a universe of stars.

If your favorite player is . . .

KD – You think this is your time. The rest of the league has forgotten you due to your injury and you get to write your narrative now that you are out of the media’s eye temporarily.

1990s wrestling identity: Ric Flair. Ric Flair was and still is the coolest wrestler of all-time. He was the first real villain that was too cool to hate. I think this is the way most people feel about KD and his game. No matter how suspect some of his actions are KD deserves and has earned your respect. He’s a top 3 player in this league and his numbers are crazy. He’s a 6’11” ball-handling wizard that can go for 30 every night if he wanted to. Brooklyn might be nicer than everyone thinks.

What does it say about you? You are ready to show the rest of the world, again, that you are the best at what you do. Bron might as well be washed because he is not winning anything anymore on your watch. You are something no one has seen before. All this Unicorn stuff started with you.

If your favorite player is . . .

Kyrie – Speaking of Kyrie. If you choose to stan for the former Duke PG. You understand the specialness of everything, and you see the beauty in life. You think you can see a lot further than most other people (Ed’s note: Is that a flat earther joke?) and you just want to figure out a way for everyone to be great.

1990s wrestling identity: Bret Hart. Kyrie, has so much game even the excellence of execution would have to say, “damn!!!!”. Kyrie, has the most breathtaking game in the league right now. Don’t believe me? Name a time Kyrie dunked? I’ll wait. For a person to not exist above the rim and be a top 10 player in popularity and production is remarkable (Ed’s note: Steph and Giannis can be a heard argument for the breathtaking gold medal here).

What does this say about you: You are probably a hippie but you hang with people that do way more drugs than you do so you think you are normal. You approach life from a level of understanding and knowledge that few can comprehend.

If your favorite player is . . .

Michael Jordan – You are probably pushing 50 and are annoying everyone you know with talk of hoop from 30 years ago. STOP IT!

If your favorite player is. . .

Derrick Rose – Seriously, I weep for you. D Rose will be the “what if?” player of his generation a la Penny Hardaway, but if your favorite player is Derrick Rose. Pick a new player, it’s time. You earned it. (Ed’s note: Not to mention you were probably an MJ fan)

1990s wrestling identity: The Undertaker. When the biggest lights were on so was Derrick Rose. While healthy in Chicago he was a shooting star of the type we had never seen in the league before. Both freakishly athletic and technically proficient, D Rose’s playstyle is that of a gangster in a suit. Genius level intellect operating on razor-thin margins of balance and control.

He and Derrick Rose look alike if you squint.

What does this say about you? You have lived a life. D Rose’s career trajectory knocked off course by injuries, proves you can never count out the heart of a warrior. We all know the stories. The MVP. The playoff battles with Bron. The injuries. Now, the resurgence. I think all of us love seeing D Rose out there still giving defenders the blues.

If your favorite player is . . .

Steph Curry – Congratulations, you just recently learned from failure. Take it from a Bills fan, it builds character. Being a Steph fan in 2020 must be bittersweet. You have won a lot, you have also lost 2 heartbreaking series and now Steph and the Warriors are no longer a young fun team, they are an old (Ed’s note: old-ish) team, that Steph is the oldest person on. He’s 32. Which isn’t a dinosaur (Ed’s note: but close), but the window of all these talented players playing together is closing.

1990s wrestling identity: Shawn Michaels, if Steph just took on the persona of Shawn Michaels time itself would stop. There would be no more war and no child would ever go hungry again. Who could forget the wars in the ring “The Heartbreak Kid” and Bret Hart had in the ring. Savage, ruthless and deadly, Steph has snatched the most opposing fans' hearts from chests over the last 5 years, while making FANS of his enemies along the way. When the records are complete, and Steph hangs up his Under Armour sneakers (Ed’s note: those are looking better by the way.) He will have every shooting record of mention next to his name. He’s the best shooter ever and he has at minimum 3 years of prime basketball ahead of him. He’s a legend that still has his sneakers on.

At a time when little people “couldn’t” dominate, HBK and Chef Curry found a way to rise to the top of their sport.

What does this say about you? You are either a smart and talented hedge fund manager that moonlights as a venture capitalist or you are a smart talented serial killer (Ed’s note: They could be both). Either way, you have a strong commitment to hard work and becoming the best. It has and will continue to pay off. If you are a hedge fund manager, please loan me $36. If you are a serial killer, please stop murdering people.

If your favorite player is . . .

Joel Embiid – Joel Embiid is one of the few superstar bigs left in the league. But face it, that’s not why he’s your favorite player. Embiid is your favorite player, you live in Philly, the location of the movie Creed (Ed’s note: no other sports movies are based there?). You are born and raised there. You eat cheesesteak 4 times a week. You own a Phillies starter jacket and your favorite song of all time is anything by Meek Mill, Will Smith, or Boyz II Men. You have a “Trust the Process” t-shirt framed and one to break out for when The Process and Co. are one game away from lifting the trophy.

Loud, angry and talented. The Razor and the Process give off the same energy.

1990s wrestling identity: Scott Hall/Razor Ramon. Joel Embiid is a true superstar and a top big in the league. His over the top personality and antics aren’t necessary, but they add to his greatness. The questions remain, is he the best player on his team? Does he fill seats? Can he be “the guy” for a franchise all by himself?

What does this say about you? You may be a bit of a goofball and class clown but when asked, you bring your ‘A’ game. There are plenty of people that operate like this. Sometimes they need to make a joke before they fight. Just remember, there will be haters of your smile.

If your favorite player is . . .

What happens when a Euro is the best payer in the L? We are about to find out the answer to that question.

Giannis – Giannis wants all the smoke. He doesn’t want to be friends. he doesn’t want to work out with the rest of the bums in the league and when you step on the court with him, you better be ready for a fight. To explain the concept of Giannis to people who look at the NBA 30 years from now will be like describing what life was like before there was fire. It was one way, then it was different and better. (Ed’s note: waaay better). To put this in 1990s terms, Giannis is like if The Terminator guest-starred in the Highlander TV series. It does not belong and it is oddly appealing at the same time. If you are a Giannis fan you are different and doing something no one else can comprehend. But you are a Giannis fan, being SO different it can’t be comprehended is where you live. I watched a few Highlander TV series episodes, it does not hold up, but karate and swordplay can never go out of style.

Here is what Giannis’ spirit animal looks like

1990s wrestling identity: Stone Cold Steve Austin. This is such a good marriage, I am pretty sure Giannis and Stone Cold need to become best friends and start a reality tv show (Ed’s note: at minimum a podcast). I would watch that. Giannis could hire Stone Cold as his head of security and we could have ourselves a modern-day Rob and Big.

What does this say about you? You are an intense personality, but somehow you make it work with the people you care about the most. The people in your life probably know what drives you and accept that you have a passion to master it.

If your favorite player is. . .

Jamal Murray – Congrats on being a pot-smoking hippie from Colorado. I am sure your life is generally fantastic, as you are probably a heritage fund baby that inherited a fertile batch of land that will 7x in value during the green rush. What’s the good news? Everyone likes you. The bad news? No one views you as a serious threat.

1990s wrestling identity: D’Von Dudley. The Dudley Boyz was the most entertaining tag team in the 90s, it was strangely not a thing for casual fans of wrestling to know about them. The ECW wrestling promotion seemed like it was out of the scope of the public’s eye despite being mainstream to the greater underground culture. No one ever thought the Dudley Boyz would become a mainstay in major wrestling. Perhaps too small-time or not the right gimmick, the Dudley Boyz enjoyed great success in the latter parts of their career. This parallels Jamal Murray’s trajectory in the NBA in my opinion, Jamal will be a highly productive PG that will go nowhere at his current organization. Outside of George Karl, the Nuggets haven’t won.

What does this say about you? Your life is awesome, a lot like Jamal Murray’s. You can do whatever you want at your job with a carefree style, like Jamal Murray. You have tons of money, like Jamal Murray. You will probably never reach the pinnacle of your industry/career. You can do anything remember? It gives you a lack of focus, but great Instagram photos. Your life will be filled with beautiful stuff and dollars, but you will miss out on that one big thing. . . a championship, like . . . Jamal Murray.

If your favorite player is . . .

Brandon Ingram – congrats on being sober long enough to read this. Chances are you are from North Carolina or Louisiana. Either way, your destination is the same. The bottom of a bottle. Brandon Ingram is going places fast.

1990s wrestling equivalent – Mankind/Cactus Jack. Having spent an extended period in the South, I can tell you that just because people talk funny, doesn’t mean they are dumb. The big city folks of LA may have made fun of Brandon Ingram before but look at him now? On his way to a supermax and a potential chip if the Pelicans front office does not screw up the Zion Experiment. Thiccarus, Thanos, or Baby GOAT, whatever you call him, he‘s going to take this franchise to new heights. If Brandon Ingram wants to go to the hall of fame just be ready to drop 20 a night and watch the show.

What does this say about you? - You aren’t afraid to think out of the box to get what you want. Despite Ingram having a unicorn build, his game comes from old fashioned work. Mankind to his start in a backyard wrestling circuit worked his way to regional wrestling circuits and eventually became one of the biggest stars in the sport. A gym rat, Brandon Ingram has quickly eliminated weakness in his game to become a 20 a night player an all-star, and all in all is about to secure the bag with a max deal. He’s 22 years old! BI is going places fast!

If your favorite player is . . .

Anthony Davis – Is there a more effortless Big in the league? If this guy were in a bigger market for longer, people would be screaming the praises of AD more. When he’s finally free of New Orleans (Ed’s note: amazing city, horrible front office) he goes to the single largest shadow in the league. No worries, AD will be a young Kareem to Lebron’s aging Magic, if he raises a trophy and he will start his legend as a great in purple and yellow. People that like AD know who they are and what they are. They are probably the most actualized and self-aware people they know and as a result, have stable personalities and are reliable.

1990s wrestling equivalent - AD is Goldberg. AD showed up in the league and smashed everyone in the face. If you were a Tim Duncan fan. It should be easy to love AD. He’s just the best big in the league, has been since day 1, and continues to play at the highest level in the league. Look, I was around in the 1990s (Ed’s note: senior citizen) and when wrestling was terrible in WCW, Goldberg picked it up dusted it off and made it good again. That’s exactly what AD did with the Pelicans and has done with the Lakers.

What does this say about you? You like control. You are the type of person who selects Zangief or Hagar when you play Street Fighter or Final Fight. You watch Power and cheer for Ghost. You are going to go through a bodybuilding phase. Your wallet won’t appreciate the 4 years supply of protein powder you are going to store in your garage.

If your favorite player is . . .

Can Nikola Jokic be Tim Duncan or will he be Carlos Boozer?

Nikola Jokic – see Jamal Murray... .but you are probably even richer, a senator and married to a supermodel. The internet needs to respect Nikola Jokic, he was a top 10 player last season. The Joker has work for every Center in the league with his deft touch and passing. Arvydas Sabonis 2.0, Nikola Jokic is the Point Center of Point Centers. He won’t win a championship in Denver. Trust! Look up Carlos Boozer’s and Deron Williams’ run in Utah.

1990s wrestler comparison: Bubba Ray Dudley. Nikola Jokic is on his way to a Hall of Fame career and low key the national media hardly talks about him. He will get his time in the sun, but right now there are too many other stars that need their shine right now. (Ed’s note: D’von! Get the tables!”)

From cult following to superstars can the young nuggets become the Dudley Boyz?

What does this say about you? You don’t care what happens day to day as long as you get to maintain your charmed life on the regular. The little stuff doesn’t bother you. It shouldn’t, your game is larger than life.

If your favorite player is . . .

Paul George – If you are a Paul George fan you understand that he is a great NBA player and is going to be a mainstay on the Clippers for many years. Also, if you are a Paul George fan, I know that you are probably a member of the CIA or Secret Service. If someone says that their favorite player is Paul George, they work in intelligence and are probably a Fed. You heard it here first. You have been warned. Just know I was on your side then and on your side now Paul George fans. What Damian Lillard did to you was filthy... it was a bad shot.

Rick Rude was one f the most respected technicians of his time. So is Paul George

1990s wrestling identity: Ravishing Rick Rude was one of the biggest names in wrestling in the 1980s, but his career had plateaued in the 1990s due to other acts being promoted over him. Today, as of print at this very moment. I am 51% sure that Paul George has peaked in his career. Paul George is a great player and will continue to produce as a top 12-20 player in the league for a few more years, but I am not sure that Paul is the guy that can carry a franchise. He is a great #2 and luckily for the Clippers, he is.

What does this say about you? All good things. You are smart (Ed’s note: PG went for 28 PPG, 8 RPG, and 4 APG this season). You work for the federal government. I am not going to give you anything here, Paul George fans, except . . . don’t trust Paul George fans.

If your favorite player is . . .

Kawhi Leonard – Who? Never heard of him. Kawhi Leonard reminds me of a healthy Bernard King (Ed’s note: an old guy from the 80s) that went to a good franchise. I have heard no one, (Ed’s note: NO ONE!) compare Kawhi to Bernard the King. I’m willing to fight anyone that claims that they were the first person to say this. As a child of a family of Knicks fans, Big Nard does not get his due. Hopefully, Kawhi will get the new generation to Google the King (Ed’s note: not that one). That direct dribble game he possesses. The deadly post up and finishing. Kawhi has built himself into a generational talent. Kawhi is now handling the ball and dishing in transition. The Klaw plays the game like he’s an artificial intelligence that is building the perfect basketball player. The second he points himself to a weakness he destroys it.

Hard work got Triple H to the top of his sport. The same can be said for Kawhi.

1990s wrestling identity: The Game/Triple H. (Ed’s note: if Bron is The Rock, then we need to write a Hobbs and Klaw script). Kawhi has been the most electrifying man in the NBA over the last 14 months. The Rock left wrestling too soon, but his mark is indelible. A lot like Kawhi’s. Kawhi managed to destroy 2 separate 3 peats of two generational players. Think about that. The crack of Kawhi’s Scorpion Tail has snatched two rings away from legends. Kawhi mostly comes out of nowhere to the casual fan, but to a hardcore hoop fan, you knew Kawhi was something different. I have never seen a player more vastly compared in the league. He started his career being compared to Shawn Marion and now his game is getting compared to Michael Jordan. Mike fans, I mean come on you have no excuse!

What does this say about you? You’re probably pretty boring, but to be respected. Whatever you put your mind to you master. You probably scored as an INTJ on your Meyers-Briggs test and don’t listen to anyone. You just wait patiently for all of your ideas and plans to fall into place.

If your favorite player is . . .

James Harden – Nothing but offense and unorthodox awesomeness, James Harden will not be denied. So controversial he gets to profit from the hate and the love on his name. Harden has taken his polarity to the bank. OOHH Yeah! It’s easy to forget that James being a star of this magnitude is not according to plan. The Thunder didn’t know what they had in Harden, so the league had no idea what to expect when James Harden went James Harden. Like a meteor hitting the league, Harden has just taken a sledgehammer to defensive schemes. No one (Ed’s note: maybe some of the diehard frat bros who watched him at ASU) expected him to rise to this level. From 6th man of the year to a multiple-time MVP finalist and a one-time winner. His legacy will go down as the Iceman (Ed’s note: bucket getter!) of our generation. Different games, different personalities. Crazy production. It’s truly good to be the beard, he’s snapping into a legend made by his own hand. If James Harden is your favorite player, you know you are going to do what you want when you want and will make it look good while doing it.

1990s wrestling identity: Macho Man Randy Savage. When first coming into the WWF, The Macho Man was slept on. It didn’t matter his star power leapt him into one of the top spots in the sport.

We were lucky to witness the Macho Man’s greatness. We are lucky in the same way with James Harden.

What does this say about you? It says no matter what I write here. You won’t listen to it anyway. Identifying with James Harden means you value individuality above all other things. Nothing I write here will make a mark on that. Just keep doing you.

If your favorite player is . . .

Damian Lillard – You are probably a party promoter or run your own fashion label. You aren’t a “criminal”, but you have definitely made some money you don’t claim on your taxes and you are definitely good friends with a person who is a lot like Kyrie. To your friends you probably act earthy and granola, but perhaps not so secretly you own a pair of Yeezys and have a tailored leather jacket. You still have your weekend hood pass, but you are a corporate attorney. Damian Lillard fans are the type of people that do drugs or have done drugs but would never overdo them because they love power and are more interested in being a Rockstar. It is interesting to me that fly and flashy people are attracted to Dame’s game. He has a ton of highlight plays so his popularity does make sense. Strangely, this is the antithesis of Dame’s game and personality. His flashes of brilliance are only due to his fundamental brilliance. Dame is a classic and classics never go out of style. The best modern example of a player’s player, it takes a person with a different energy to stan for Dame. A high achieving, high flying people person.

both Dame and Jericho are supper duper megastars . . . that no one appreciates.

1990s wrestling identity: Chris Jericho. Banished to the WCW for most of his career Jericho was the man that could do anything and was often asked to by his promotion. Dame is similar as he has to carry a franchise that hasn’t been great since Rasheed Wallace was playing for them. A game this strong shouldn’t be banished to the Pacific Northwest.

What does this say about you? You are a tastemaker. You will see a lot of carbon copies of his game in the next 5-7 years. Every other star on this list likes Dame’s game and that must mean something. In the future, seek out anyone who will respect your craftmanship and should respect your craftmanship, but you will never win with the current team you have assembled. It is time to shake things up and change your hustle. After all different paths garner different results. I can’t wait to see Dame turn his “Dame Time” moniker into an Audemar Piguet endorsement. (Ed’s note: I can’t wait to see what comes out of the next batch of young hoopers that watch Dame.)

I had a debate with a close friend of mine about the LeBron and MJ debate. I think MJ is the best player of all-time . . . right now. But there will be an NBA player better than him one day. If that keeps you awake at night, you are not NBA fanning (Ed’s note: not a word, but if fanaticizing is a word, then the judges have to allow “fanning”) correctly. The game evolves and the game gets better. Imagine if someone stopped watching basketball or did not want to hear that someone is better than Dr. J.

I hate all this GOAT talk. The NBA is ruining my experience by the mainstream coverage only being arguments. Picking a favorite NBA player is like choosing an avatar for a video game. Odds are you are going to choose one that mirrors you. Not the you that everyone sees necessarily, but the you that you aspire to be. When you choose an NBA player that is exactly what you are doing. You may not agree with me (you are wrong) but when you choose an NBA player to be your person, you are choosing them because you see a part of yourself in them. Russell Westbrook? Perhaps there is an intensity that exists in you that no one understands. Zach Lavine? Maybe you see things differently and no one respects your genius. Zion Williamson? You are young, hungry, and on your way to becoming your hopes and dreams.

While I love the heroes of the 80s and 90s era. The Last Dance did not elevate that era of basketball for me. If anything, it made me feel like I was going into the darker subversive side of it and learning things on video that so many great writers captured in print (Ed’s note: Newspapers?!? Gross!) I always knew it existed. I did not need it to fondly remember those times. In a lot of ways, watching The Last Dance was me metaphorically knocking on that door seeing the drugs, gambling, and women and being like a rookie Mike and simply going back to bed.